Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Great Moments in Practical Philosophy: Friendship

"If we speak of the happiness of this life, the happy man needs friends, as the Philosopher says (Ethic. ix, 9), not, indeed, to make use of them, since he suffices himself; nor to delight in them, since he possesses perfect delight in the operation of virtue; but for the purpose of a good operation, viz. that he may do good to them; that he may delight in seeing them do good; and again that he may be helped by them in his good work. For in order that man may do well, whether in the works of the active life, or in those of the contemplative life, he needs the fellowship of friends." -St. Thomas Aquinas, Summa Theologica, Prima Secundæ Partis 4:8

Although the writing is rather dense and academic, this quote from Aquinas is extremely powerful. The idea is that we do not need friends or companions to be happy, we are perfectly capable of being happy without them, but instead that we may do good to them, rejoice in the good we see in them, and make use of their help in performing a good work.

On whether we can be happy without friends, we all know this is the case, because we have all experienced happiness when we are alone and separated from friends and family. If you were capable of experiencing happiness in isolation before, you are capable now. For an extreme example, witness the ordeal of Admiral Stockdale in solitary confinement during his time as a prisoner of war, where in spite of great suffering and isolation, he says that he found a way to be happy even there. He like Aquinas says, found that he "sufficed himself". Perhaps there is no more exciting prospect than the knowledge that you can draw happiness out of yourself without having to rely on anything else.

Part of the reason we love our friends and enjoy their company is because we rejoice in the good that is in them. Whether good conversation, revealing beauty of mind, or the physical beauty of a woman (an exciting subset of friendship), we rejoice in the good we see in them, it brings us pleasure. However it is also a pleasure we know we can live without. I believe this brings an excellent facet to friendship. Instead of using your friends as a tool to make yourself feel good, you rejoice in them more as complete human beings. This eliminates neediness, a quality which is extremely repulsive, both in yourself and in others.

Finally, friendship is useful in expanding your own personal freedom through "good works". Friends can help you do a variety of wonderful things, from studying, to drinking wine, to expanding your knowledge, and the more corporeal aspects of the aformentioned exciting subset of friendship.

These truths can help you be happier in your friendships, driving away false friends, attracting new ones, and deepening your relationships with the old.

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